How to have winning conversations?

When we prepare for interviews, meetings or negotiations we design a clear idea of what we want.

We define what we aim for, set the way we want things to happen, create a complete argumentation to support our vision, ideas and solution. 

We’ve studied the other part(s)’s context , we visualized the possible options and opinions they might have, we set the arguments to respond to these and convince them to accept our position and decisions.

We feel confident we prepared more than enough and that the meeting could just be a formality towards our goal.

What do you think may happen then ?

How can expectations kill performance?

We arrive so full up of our own vision, our reality, our opinion and ideas that we may just be unable to listen to and figure out what the other(s) actually think or want. 

We are so focused on our agenda that we become blind to all the non verbal signs and attitudes our counterpart may show.

We’ve become so rigid with our own understanding, perspective and solutions that we become unable to undo them and rebuild alternate options.

We are not 100% present, we are unable to really listen, we avoid any really deep exchange, we unintentionally limit any true communication. 

The only context in the conversation was our reality, our focus, our agenda.

We missed the possible richness of sharing realities, visions, perceptions to decide and take action. 

We decided everything beforehand…For what did that conversation take place?

How to avoid having monologues in parallel?

How can we really have a conversation?

When preparing for a meeting, make sure to create an appropriate context for it to be effecitve and all along stay open to building a solution with other participants. Make sure to create and maintain a productive process, to create rapport and be present.

Yes! Plan carefully...then forget about it!

Learn to be open, curious, creative, flexible… Listen, feel, think, connect, understand and build a solution together. 

Co create a shared solution. 

With empowering decisions

And an aligned committment on actions

Do you have winning conversations?

Do you possess or are you being possessed?

Some years ago I was coaching the CEO of an important business bank. He told me an anecdote that really struck me. 

One of his top clients used to come to the bank once a month to review the performance of his assets. He actually had enough to comfortably live 100 lives. But periodically he would come to the bank office, meet with the CEO and show frustration that his money was not having the level of performance that he expected and went away sad, frustrated and angry.

One day the CEO courageously explained to him that the market did not have the same perspective as some years ago but more importantly that he could change his life by changing his perspective and being happy with an overall satisfactory performance. 

From this anecdote I have always been fascinated by our culture of possession and how that can really take control over us.

I have seen people obsessed with their house, their car, their boat, their fortune,... but also their position, status, their job, or, more surprisingly, their wife/husband , their children... trying to stop time to hold on to them and not lose them.

What is it you possess that is so valuable for you?

In return, what do you think may possess you?

Sometimes I think about all these possessions we have in our life that can jeopardize our freedom... without us being aware of it!

Where is it we need to travel lighter?

What is it you may need to let go?

The Four principles of the Authentic Leader

 A collaborator comes to the leader and says:

- I have to tell you about the behaviour of one your team members

The leader:

- Ok. But first let me assess something: Have you passed what you mean to tell me through the three filters test ?

- The three filters ?

- Your words must pass through three filters . The first is the Truth. Have you checked that what you want to tell me is true?

- No, I have heard about it and ...

- Well, then you have certainly made it go through the second filter, that of Goodness. Is what you want to tell me something good?

- No, quite the opposite ....

- Turning then to the third filter: is what you want to say useful?

- Useful? Not really ...

- Well... if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor useful, I prefer not to hear it. As for you, I advise you to just forget it….

- Ok…

- Nonetheless tell me more. I am grateful that you came to see me. I would like to hear more from you. How are you? …  How are you doing? ... Anything you would like to tell me? Any to share?.. ideas, suggestions, desires, ambitions….? Any engagements I can help you with?

Truth, Goodness, Utility, … Empathy.

Resilience, Resistance and patience

 

2020 has been complicated, uncertain, stressful, catastrophic. 
Our abilities to be resilient in adverse conditions like this year's are linked to our capacity to accept what is happening, not to take it personally, not to resist. 
It is in letting go of past expectations, being patient, flowing, reinventing ourselves day after day to generate new opportunities, learning new skills, developing new possibilities. 
2020 has taught us to be grateful for what we have, to let go of what we have lost. 
It has reconnected us with the precarity of life, with the present moment. 
Nothing is lost. 
While there is life there are possibilities 
Your attitude will create opportunities. 
Be patient. Do not resist. 
Continue. Accept. Persevere. 
Enjoy yourself. 
Live!
I wish you a year 2021 of many opportunities, of many learnings and successes! 

Tao of Leadership : Unbiased Leadership

Can you mediate emotional issues without taking sides or picking favourites?

Can you breathe freely and remain relaxed even in the presence of passionate fears and desires?

Are your own conflicts clarified? Is your own house clean?

Can you be gentle with all factions and lead the group without dominating?

Can you remain open and receptive, no matter what issues arise?

Can you know what is emerging, yet keep your peace while others discover for themselves?

Learn to lead in a nourishing manner.

Learn to lead without being possessive.

Learn to be helpful without taking the credit.

Learn to lead without coercion.

You can do this if you remain unbiased, clear, and down-to-earth.

Tao of Leadership -  Lao Tsu

New Realities and tips for leaders of remote organizations

Up to some months ago most companies’ daily reality was about physically working in an office. In such “physical” work environments, even more with the so popular open space offices layouts, employees were visible to others during the most part of the working day. This made them very much aware that their behaviours and attitudes could always be possibly observed or evaluated. Depending on the companies’ cultures and rules you could find offices where employees spent more time pretending that they were working rather than doing so.

In that aspect working remotely changes the rules and is much more effective: you stop losing time and energy in pretending.

Nevertheless, when working remotely, even if you can control how and when you are visible to others, you cannot hide anymore. When having meetings, you cannot compensate your possible lack of competence or engagement with your communication and social skills. 

In the past employees could eventually hide and still be credible. It is not possible anymore.

Being involved is not enough. You must be engaged, active and performing.

What is the consequence for leaders? 

Ambiguity is no longer possible. Working remotely means you need to be much more precise and clearer about information, assignments and support. You cannot take anything for granted. You need to make sure people are aligned and committed. Communication and proactivity are key.

The other challenge is to remotely keep the team together. How can you do that? 

You need to create spaces for people to interact as a team and one to one…but always keeping momentum, avoiding everlasting virtual meetings that kill the energy and the connection. 

Finally, the main difficulty leaders are facing today is managing fear and uncertainty. The confinement restrictions were lived very differently by each one of your collaborators and the levels of stress and insecurity can be very different but also very high for everyone.

We are in the middle of a profound crisis in which we will need to invent new ways of connecting with our teams, but also face and manage the way we confront and handle ourselves these situations. More than ever our ability to have empathy, be present, close and supportive with our team members, our capacity to really listen and understand where they are, and the way we will support them will be key to our team’s future successes.

How do you manage this yourself?

Accessing the Wisdom of Life

As individuals we create our own understanding of the world, our own reasoning. Since we were born we have shaped our perception of reality, our understanding of what surrounds us. Our minds have given meaning to what happens to us, to what we see and feel.

This is how our beliefs, our realities, our certainties are forged.

We do not see the world as it is,

we see the world as we are

Until the day we stumble, fall, fail.

Our reality no longer provides us with answers, our logic no longer works... We can feel confused, disoriented, lost...

Then we have to question ourselves, to adapt to these new realities that we discover. ... maybe to open up to new areas that we didn't even know existed.

Life ends up pushing you to the limits of your understanding, disorienting you.

It leads you to fail, to doubt, to let go, to fall... and to get up again.

These moments of doubt, of confusion, are challenging. They paralyze you up to the moment they open you up to new knowledge, new areas, new challenges...

In order to know you better.

To make you better.

More authentic.

Wiser.

To be more coherent, more focused, more productive.

To take the right path, to be the leader of your life.

Do you take advantage of these moments of doubt and confusion to grow?

Isn’t this what we just needed?

There is a quote that says that life brings us the experiences that we need for us to grow. That there are no coincidences, nothing occurs by chance.

In some ways this crisis we are going through is no coincidence.

The past financial crisis had taught us to fight more to survive, be active, persevere, be resilient in always reinventing yourself to survive economically and socially.

This one is about stopping. Stopping and being able to slow down, breathe, reinvent the way we relate to others and go on with our work, with our careers.

There is a message for this world, for institutions and companies. There is a message for us. 

To go back to essentials, to yourself, your life, your priorities, your real ambitions and desires.

These times allow us to rediscover who we are and what surrarrounds us, to become aware of our ability to adapt, to learn and to change our daily routines. This a time to become more curious about new things, to learn and test new things, new habits.

It is a luxury to be able to go on at your own rythm, your own pace. Have you managed to slow down?  

What are these moments showing you? What are they reveiling about yourself?

Addicted to winning

We're addicted to winning.

And when something is resisting us, when we make mistakes and/or fail, it fills us with sadness, discouragement, anger... We lose our confidence in ourselves, our self-esteem. We suffer from it...

What is winning?

It is about feeding our competitiveness, our ego, it is about competing... If we win, it means others lose... others who have not been as "good" as us...
What is winning? 
It is about feeding our ego. It's creating this illusion of being a superhero, of being a superman or a superwoman...

Winning and being successful are the illusion of having arrived, of having succeeded... and now what? Has time stopped? That's it, we've done it, we are done... Are you sure? What have we achieved? Does it make sense?

For me, our frustration, our continuous sabotage comes from these ideas, from these expectations ...of winning, of triumphing...

We cling to these goals, to these clichés, to these chimeras in desperation, without connecting to what we really want deep down. .. we delude ourselves into possessing, into having ... instead of being ...

Far from the stereotypes, deep inside you ... what is / what would it be for you to win? ... what would it look like to win?...

And if happiness was not in either of these... neither in winning nor in triumphing...
And if it was in letting go, letting go of these chimeras and ridiculous but crushing expectations and focus on your own, on what's really important to you... 
...Maybe this would be triumphant... Don't you think?

What's important to you? What is it for you to succeed?

Happy authentic 2020!!

Leadership is about Context & Connection

Companies strive to create accountability, ownership and leadership at all levels...

There is a perception that there are people who decide and others that execute... Relationships tend to be unbalanced, communications mainly one way... Connection between deciders and doers is low...

With what consequences?

Collaborators have low levels of motivation, commitment and engagement. Quality and service standards are average. In difficult economical environments levels of tension and stress build up and paralyse teams further more...

In reality neither the managers nor the collaborators feel happy about the situation...

The former don’t feel confident and trusting with their teams and people.

The latter don’t feel listened to nor taken into account and develop automated and routine attitudes.

Well. You know what: This could change!

Leadership is about creating the Connection and Context that enable change and that deliver performance. 

A level of Connection that enhances open and closer communications and develops intimacy, credibility, relationships, trust.

A Context that is open, not judgemental and inspiring and that makes it possible to negotiate alliances with collaborators and teams with a shared commitment on common objectives.

Context & Connection.

Work on these two key drivers and you will create the team engagement and support you've always dreamt of!

The dream team at an arm’s reach! Think about it!

Any thoughts?

Conflicts : Should we accept them or ban them ?

Are conflicts useful?

Do conflicts in a company emphasize its dynamism or its disorganization ?

Should managers accept or ban conflicts?

Behind conflict there are unidentified, unaddressed needs... there are perspectives and views that have not yet been taken into account.

Beyond conflict there possibly are new ideas for improvement, new business opportunities or areas for the organization's development.

Conflict is a proof that there is motivation, commitment, dynamism.

The problem is that conflictive situations appeal to emotions . They are uncomfortable. They create tension. They are therefore difficult to handle.

They push people into uncertainty, into danger. They generate adrenaline, create urgency, connect us with our most animal side, with stress, possibly pushing us towards paralysis, aggression or flight.

They bring out our emotions, our vulnerability, our fragility.

At the same time a conflict is the evidence that this is important, that this is serious. That this is worth fighting for.

A company without conflict is a dormant, somnolent, numb company.

Are there conflicts in your business?

Do you handle them? Do you avoid them?
How do you feel about them?

Take advantage of conflicts. Learn to manage them and you'll get extraordinary results.

To achieve this, create a different context, which takes height, gives meaning, connects with the mission of the organization, the vision of the business.

What do you think?

#Leadership : Are you in a Demanding or in a Forgiving #CorporateCulture?

In most companies the challenges are so high in terms of competitiveness and profitability that they can affect the levels of confidence and efficiency of collaborators.

It is when companies need the most to be able to fight or innovate that the context encourages collaborators to be cautious and conservative in their attitudes.

All companies have systems that deal with objectives, duty, commitment ... and punishment ... In trying to organize and systematize procedures, they kill diversity and individuality, they muzzle initiative and innovation.

A powerful management value can balance the situation: the ability to forgive.

Forgiveness is not that present in companies because success is an obligation, a requirement. Success is not negotiable. Accepting forgiveness would open the door to error, to failure. Unacceptable!

The ability to forgive is the foundation of trust. And growth!

Forgiving mistakes or failures gives the opportunity to learn in order to improve, to miss in order to succeed.

The best professionals are not those who never make mistakes. They are those who fail and learn their lessons.

Do you give your team a chance?

Do you create an environment of trust that allows novelty, difference?

Can you forgive?

  

Leadership: make an opinion, not a judgment.

Society brings us to judging everything. Every detail, every posture, appearances, expressions can be interpreted and used in favour or against.
The criteria are infinite. Appearance, fashion, external signs of wealth, everything is perceived, observed, dissected, used...
Used to go down the fast lane towards express and limiting judgments that enclose, that limit communication and relationships to pre-established frameworks.  
We catalogue people... do not try to know more... We are no longer curious or really open for more.
We judge with few elements and no longer have neither openness nor curiosity for more. 

This mechanism is human. We cannot avoid interpreting, thinking, simplifying, making an opinion... But let us avoid judging.
Yes. let's have an opinion. We need and have the right to have and give our opinion... but let's not judge, let's not close ourselves up, let's not emprison ourselves. 
Give your opinion and be open to others. Open yourself to what you don't know, to what you don't know you don't know...

Judging speaks of you, not of the other.

To judge can be to despise, to put oneself on top of the other. It is assuming that you have the truth...the only truth.
It's closing yourself off from other ways of thinking, of living, of understanding. It is about denying diversity, differences....
Only differences enrich, not similarities...
To judge members of your team is to see them with their shortcomings, not with their wealth. It's taking away their potential. 

To express an opinion is to express yourself, to be assertive, courageous, open to debate, it is to build in order to achieve results. 
Speaking out your opinion is sharing in order to understand, give feedback, challenge, accompany and help your team to reach their potential.

Speak up and don't judge. Accept, enrich yourself with diversity.
What do you think?

Are you making an opinion or a judgment?

How to handle conflictive negotiations?

Effective negotiations occur when both parties are able to look at the problem from all possible angles to be open, flexible and creative when building a
solution.

Sometimes the problem is so important, what is at stake is so great that without noticing it people slowly become part of the problem.

When you are the problem, how you want to step back, not get caught , vary perspectives to propose options .... No way!

You are stuck on the issue ... you feel bad ... you take it personally ... you do not flow .

What is the problem? What do you want? What are you looking for?

Are you willing to be flexible , to listen, interact , build a solution with the other?

Or are you tense , rigid , pissed off, overwhelmed, angry...

Are you able to look at the issue with all its components,  all its potential benefits , all its possible limitations?

Breathe.

Put aside the labels, judgments.

See the other part as able, human, responsible.

Work on your flexibility, on your curiosity with the other.

Be aware of what is happening, of their body language, of what is said or untold.

Open yourself , go beyond appearances , be curious, listen ...

Free yourself , be creative, agile. Dance with the moment.

Do not block yourself emotionally.

Lead the negotiation , drive the conversation , manage the relationship with intuition and expertise .... The results depend on it.

Are you part of the problem or are you ready to co - construct a solution?

From top performer to average leader

Developing and promoting top performers is key. It enhances employee loyalty, increases the chances of keeping high potentials in house and contributes to building a performance and trust driven company culture.

Surpringly it also has many possible drawbacks.

The first is taking away top contributors from their Expertise, where they create most value to the business.

The second is that what makes collaborators be high performers can often be what makes them be mediocre managers, unaware of the Process of managing teams.

The third is that as a consequence the company culture may be damaged by unadapted Leadership styles.

1. Expertise

When your way of doing things works it's great.

You've been reviewing and improving it for many years to make it effective..

But don't transform it in THE one and only WAY of doing things.

When you get to manage, take a step back and support your team members in finding their own way to outperform.

2. Process

Leadership is not only about being an expert in your field, on the area, on the content. It can help but it can also sabotage you.

Leadership is about process, about creating and maintaining the most adequate context for the team to be inspired, motivated, challenged and for them to overdeliver.

Don’t struggle to be right. Fight for results.

3. Leadership

Give your team what they need. A safe but challenging environment where they can express themselves, help them find their way of doing things, learn and improve.

Enhance team spirit and values.

Promote discipline

Share and work closely

Adapt to each team member.

Management and Leadership are not innate.

Give your management team the means to learn to become authentic leaders.